We know there's no value in those personality quizzes that keep popping up online. They're just mindless fun. "Which 'The Walking Dead' character are you?" "Which Disney song best describes your valentine?" "Which Los Angeles suburb should you live in?" The list goes on.
But then we got to thinking -- Bob Mizer's own works presented a dizzying array of men who ran the gamut of looks and personality types. Surely there must be one who mirrors each of us in those ways, too.
And so, in the interests of delving into a pop culture phenomenon (because we're just cool like that), we present to you a personality quiz to help you determine which character from Bob Mizer's films you most closely identify with. Answer each question as honestly as possible, and keep your answers written down somewhere. Don't scroll to the bottom of the screen -- no peeking!
After a long day of work, you come home to relax with which drink?
A. An ice-cold bottle of beer
B. A glass of wine
C. Gin and tonic
E. Just water for me -- I don't drink
Your friends would describe you as:
E. I don't have that many friends and enjoy just being alone.
Your spirit animal is:
A. A dog
B. A cat
C. An owl
D. A dolphin
E. A sloth
Choose a color:
What would your ideal Saturday night be?
A. A moonlight walk in the park or on the beach
B. Dinner at a high-end restaurant
C. A trip to see the latest exhibit at the museum
D. Skip the romance -- Give me an evening of passionate sex
E. I'd prefer a night in to catch up on Netflix or some reading.
Which city would you most like to live in?
A. New York
When you get into an argument with a friend, you:
A. Get over it quickly. After all, life's too short to stay angry.
B. Remain angry for a long time. You know how to hold a grudge like nobody's business.
C. Talk calmly with your friend and try to work out your disagreement.
D. Have difficulty remaining calm and sometimes let your big mouth get the best of you.
E. You try to avoid conflict at all costs and tend to be as agreeable as possible.
Physically, your ideal type of man:
A. Has good muscle definition but isn't overly muscular
B. Has a smooth, muscular body
C. Is skinny and has some body hair
D. Has a dad bod -- just a bit chunky in all the right places
E. I don't really care about a guy's body; I'm more interested in his mind, personality and sense of humor.
What is your long-term goal?:
A. Be happy and healthy
B. Have an ideal career
C. Travel the world
D. Have as much fun as you can
E. Make a lot of money
If you answered mostly 'A,' you're the satyr. You're a fun-loving, free spirit who enjoys life's simple pleasures. Though you can blend into the background of any environment when need be, you notice this becomes increasingly difficult when people run away screaming because you're half man, half goat.
If you answered mostly 'B,' you're the pharoah. You're a charismatic, natural-born leader whose no-nonsense management style is often misinterpreted for blatant aggression. In other words, you're hot, but you can really be an asshole sometimes.
If you answered mostly 'C,' you're the wizard. When it comes to wisdom and analytical thinking skills, your talents are second to none. You can easily manipulate others to bend to your hypnotic sensuality. Since, outside of Mizer's films, we can't think of any sexy wizards to compare you to, this most assuredly means you're a pioneer in your field.
If you answered mostly 'D,' you're the hoodlum. You're the quintessential bad boy, and you're a ride-and-die type of dude who is fiercely loyal to his friends (and cellmates). What you might lack in finesse or any kind of marketable skill, you make up for in being able to get into erotic wrestling matches with your corrections officer.
If you answered mostly 'E,' you're the soldier. You're easy to get along with, you try not to make too many waves, and you feel at ease when you don't bring too much attention to yourself. Well, unless you're seductively doing push-ups in front of your fellow servicemen. Then you'll take all of the "attention" you can get.
Do none of these guys seem to quite fit your personality? Don't worry. We'll have a second quiz to offer next week, so stay tuned.